The Circle of Mentorship: 5 tips to make your mentor relationship work

First published on Medium on 4/9/2021

Over the past few years, I’ve been reflecting on mentorship — what makes them work and not work. How people become a mentor/mentee match and what happens when you find one. With the artificial intelligence technology, there is a rising number of “technology” solutions for mentorship — I mean, it worked for dating, why not mentorships?

What I’ve learned is that mentorships aren’t an app where you can swipe left or right. Mentorship is the relationship after you swipe. I connected with a few new mentees through the Facebook Mentorship feature — the same rules apply. Ticklers don’t really help (and in fact quite annoying with sometimes daily reminders to reach out). While I appreciate the power of AI, nothing beats the power of human connection.

I’ve been fortunate to have some really great advisors over the years…but few rose to the level of “mentor”. Which led me to actually look up the word itself:

mentor

Pronunciation /ˈmenˌtôr/ /ˈmɛnˌtɔr/ /ˈmenˌtər/ /ˈmɛnˌtər/

NOUN

1. An experienced and trusted adviser.

‘he was her friend and mentor until his death in 1915’

More example sentences

Synonyms

2. An experienced person in a company, college, or school who trains and counsels new employees or students.

‘regular meetings between mentor and trainee help guide young engineers through their early years’

source: Oxford English Dictionary

Somehow, those definitions seemed inadequate for what actually transpires and more importantly, what and how expectations are set between the mentor and mentee. In my own mentor/mentee relationships, they take different forms. Some are formal, others less so. My longest mentor relationships span as long as 20+ years — women I met as 12 year olds who just turned 30, a woman I hired out of college who is now in her 25th year at her company, a once seventh grader who is now a mom and a budding filmmaker. There are many others with whom I have shorter relationships but almost all are satisfying and productive. One of my own mentors and I have been known each other for almost 30 years. In all cases, there is no set recipe but here are some ideas on how to get the most out of the relationships you build during your career.

1) Design the relationship as soon as you think you have a “match”. In some organizations, matches are assigned, others happen from happenstance. The clearer you are regarding your intentions the more fruitful and satisfying the experience will be for both of you. Listen to your mentor — what moved them to mentor? Sometimes it’s networking, sometimes finding rising talent and other times, it’s to pay it forward from when a mentor made a difference in their lives. And it can be all three. Don’t underestimate the value YOU bring to the relationship. One executive told me that they had been meeting for a mentee for a year…only to find out after the relationship ended that one of their long admired heroes was the mentee’s next door neighbor!!! My own mentees keep me current on what their generation is into, from technology to lingo, values to aspirations which are usually totally different for people a generation apart. We both become better at their jobs as a result.

2) Respect the value of their time. Most mentors are volunteers — they give their time because they believe in you and people like you. But they also have jobs and their time is valuable. If someone told you that it costs US$750 for each hour you meet with your mentor, what would you do with that time? Not that you would pay that but it is literally the opportunity and sometimes the hard cost of THEIR time.

3) Own the relationship: Mentors choose become mentors because we are called to help and serve. It is a gift — so show up prepared, responsive and thoughtful. They are not parents or babysitters. Honor that commitment by owning the relationship. Most will not ‘tell’ you what to do — they won’t. They will advise and inspire you, challenge your thinking and possibly open the door to a broader network that you don’t have yet. If they were to network on your behalf, their experience with you is a lens into how you would present yourself in their circle of contacts.

4) Like any relationship, mentorships ebb and flow. Sometimes I’ll go months or even a year without speaking to a mentor/mentee and other times we talk daily. Regardless of the cadence, check-ins are always welcome. What is a non-negotiable for formally assigned mentorships is a gracious note when exiting the mentorship. “Ghosting” is never okay.

5) Mentorships don’t have to last forever. It’s ok for a mentorship to end, but the same token, you can also have more than one mentor. It’s all about fit, timing and opportunity. I’m not the right mentor for everyone and vice-versa. By the same token, a wise woman once told me to develop a “personal board of directors” which can include advisors for all areas of your life from work to parenting/relationships, finances, hobbies. We are rarely one-dimensional humans and our mentorship relationships can reflect the multitude of dimensions of who we are.

The most important of mentorship is to pay it forward. As you reach your goals and realize aspirations that at some point seemed impossible, send the elevator back down and help those who are working behind you the benefit of your experience and wisdom.