I am the tiger
First published on LinkedIn on 2/1/2022
Welcome to the Year of the Tiger
As we enter into the Lunar New Year of the Tiger, there is a lot of reflection for those of us who celebrate how the year's zodiac animal serves as a metaphor for what portends in the following 12 months. This year, we celebrate the year of the Water Tiger (each animal has a companion element of fire, water, wood, earth and metal). For those born in this year, they are confident, innovative and courageous while being able to stay calm and tranquil in adversity. They are innovative and insightful, possess good judgement and are not easily influenced by outside forces. The Tiger is one of the strongest signs in the zodiac.
Before I became a mom, I asked a friend who I thought was an extraordinary parent why she divorced with two very young kids and chose her independence. Her answer was simple: She realized she wasn't modeling the life she wanted for her kids. And if she wasn't going to lead by example, how would they learn how to be in the world in a manner that was best for them. There hasn't been a day I don't think about that and how I show up for my now 18 year old, but living it everyday is HARD. Which prompted the present day question: Do I want to be the Tiger Mom or the Tiger?
THE CONFESSION
For the past few years, I've jokingly referred to myself as a failed Tiger Mom. I worked really hard at being bad at it quite frankly. No Saturday Chinese school, no violin or piano lessons and AP classes only if they wanted them; the list goes on. At least I didn't try to turn her into a ping pong champion or an Olympic ice skater. Fast forward to their teen years, it turned out that I was a Tiger Mom anyway. Maybe they didn't play the violin, speak perfect Mandarin or graduate with 17 AP credits but I made sure that what ever they wanted to do, they got access to the best--teachers, coaches, camps, whatever. Ironically, I ended up creating the same stress just on a different playing field, rock wall, art class. Learning (and still learning) that their life is their journey and not mine is a work in progress. I wrote about this a few months ago. You can read that here.
THE LESSON
What I wish for my daughter is to be courageous, adventurous and confident--all the qualities that the Tiger embodies. After nearly 20 years of fighting my Tiger Mom tendencies, I realized that the best way to show her how to actualize her own Tiger presence was by leaning into that myself.
I am the Tiger
After several decades on the business side of technology, I pivoted my career to more coaching and less consulting. The fear and trepidation was deep. For many coaches in the development process, the journey of self reflection is deep and for some, even traumatizing. The intent is to broaden our own expansiveness in service of helping our clients lean into the discomfort of broadening their own. In my journey, I found myself looking for profiles of women who might provide a template for my next chapter and found a few. As a self fashioned feminist, I really hadn't considered my identity as an Asian American woman. My self exploration suddenly put that intersectional nuance front and center. (You can read about some of that exploration here.) And I wasn't so arrogant to believe that I could be the only role model for API women. In fact, I thought I was the last set of footsteps I would recommend following.
A little over a year ago, I made a pact with myself to meet 100 amazing API (Asian/Pacific Islander) women. It started with a call into the Universe (which on that day was a post on Facebook). Within three hours, I had 25 nominees. So many amazing women with one degree of separation from me! Who knew that my close circle included best selling authors, executives, dancers, academics, scientists, innovators, venture capitalists, social change agents and survivors? The breadth and depth was overwhelming. I think I've talked to maybe 60-70 by now. I've lost count...and I keep finding more.
The listening sessions are rarely recorded--sometimes it was a text string or a zoom call that showed me that not only was I far from the only rule breaker. It was really just a personal passion project. I wasn't weird or alone in my desire to activate change. Hearing their stories were some of the best hours of the last 15 months.
Over the course of the past year, I got braver and reached out to women I saw on LinkedIn, the media or friends of friends and heard their stories. I found some serious change-makers around us who not only rocked the boat but more often then not, jumped ship and built a better one. Like @MichelleLiTV who catalyzed the #VeryAsian movement or @suzannepark whose last two novels landed on NPR's best books of the year in 2020 and 2021 or @seemaychou and @pracheeAC who founded and run @arcadiascience. Greatness is all around us.
So the lesson learned:
The best kind of Tiger Mom is the one who discovers that she is the Tiger herself.
PS: If you know a woman of API descent who I should know, feel free to DM. They don't need to be rich or famous--just someone who you think is amazing and didn't let rules stop them. I hope to help amplify more of these impactful women this year because people need to know about them.